"Sit down, you're acting like the bride's father." I feel like the bride's father, I respond to a nearby Beautiful Southerner. The room's booked. The drinks are on their way. All that's missing are my guests. The receptionist at the Manchester hotel offers to put my name up on the meetings board to assist latecomers. I ponder this for a moment, and then decide against it. Between the signs for the British Software Traders lunch and the dental suppliers meeting, it might look a bit odd; 'Room 205 - pop stars listen to records, get drunk and take the piss out of each other.

But I needn't have worried. Within minutes my esteemed panel are here, the tops have been taken off a few and we can begin. This was the idea. Take three voluble, informed, opinionated pop personalities not known for flannel, play them a clutch of records intended to represent crazy old 1990 and get them talking. And remarkably well it turned out too. A word about the records. Some of them were chosen simply because they were hits (Sinead, EMF), some because they had some particular significance or notoriety (2 Live Crew), others because they were indicative of particular trends or genres (Snap!, Lush).

A word of warning. Sometimes we wandered off the point, at other times we sprinted away from it at first sight. Many sections of conversation were excised, sadly, on the grounds of space or legality. So farewell then Jack Charlton, Rumania, Derek Hatton, Manchester cabbies and bands with dancers in them. And cue the music....... 

MC HAMMER: "You Can't Touch This'

MES: Terrible. A pervert. He was voted best rapper in America, wasn't he? He makes MC Tunes look good.

Paul: He's a good dancer though.

MES: Is he heck!

Paul: He is! Didn't you see him on Oprah Winfrey? He's a shit rapper, I agree.

MES: You look a bit like MC Hammer yourself, Stuart.

Peter: You see, to a lot of people, rap is their life, it's not just a trend. Not just some passing commodity that the music press is into.

MES: I like rap but not this crossover shite. It's illiterate, machine rap. Whitified. It's a shame. The sort of crap that every time you go into your hotel room and put MTV on, it's bleedin' on.

Paul: I quite like the crossover stuff. There's nothing wrong with getting through to people, and he's a great dancer, whatever Mark says.

THE CHARLATANS: "The Only One I Know'

Peter: I don't like the way they stand around in lakes for their photographs.

MES: ALL these Manchester bands, when it comes down to it, they're just a bunch of jessies. Just young businessmen into dressing up and Echo And The Bunnymen. I'm very happy for them, you know. Making a bit of money by funking up Echo And The Bunnymen.

Paul: The lead singer. He's the focal point, isn't he? He's a nice-looking lad. Nice haircut. But it's just too sixth form, you know.

MES: He's the sort of lad who's always wanted to sing in a rock band. In the music press there's a snidey joke along the line of 'The Only Song We Know'.

Peter: Now make you sure you print that. Otherwise it looks as if we're taking the piss a bit with no provocation. Hey, listen. They've nicked that bassline from The Jam!

Paul: You and your bloody Jam!

MES: They get accused of copying The Stone Roses. I wouldn't say they're doing that. They're just copying all those '60s bands. Good luck to them, they were in the right place at the right time. But all these bands ... they're bloody interchangeable. The High, Ride ...

Paul: I think they do stand out a bit, The Charlatans. Taken on its own, this is a good song.

MES: He does try, that singer. I'd give him that.

Peter: But they're not the sort of people you'd want to go to the match with. Any of you lads I'd be happy to stand by at the match.

MES:.I wouldn't go to the bloody match with you, pal!

JULIE CRUISE: 'Falling'

(Silence. Clink of glasses)

Peter: This whole scene is like something from a David Lynch movie.

Paul: Is this the Twin Peaks theme? I don't know this. I thought the Twin Peaks one was that bloke who sounds like Roy Orbison.

Peter: I don't know anything about Twin Peaks. How can I? To watch Twin Peaks, you've got to have nothing better to do. Nothing better to do than sit in the house all the time.

You could tape it.

MES: I loved Blue Velvet. That's a great film.

Peter: I thought Wild At Heart was great. We all went to see it and ten minutes from the end Keith, our guitarist, jumps up and says 'Let's go, lads. This is fuckin' rubbish'. And we was all into it. He didn't realise. We weren't moving.

MES: What, do you all hang around together like a gang? Bloody hell!

SNAP!: 'The Power'

MES: This is brilliant. I like Snap! a lot. But isn't this 'whitified' as well?

MES: No. It's completely different. More powerful. He sings deeper.

Peter: What is all this 'whitified'? What the f-- does it mean?

Paul: It's crossover again, isn't it? A bit of Public Enemy, a bit of English style Hip-House. Crossover stuff is alright if it's tasteful. But I find this distasteful. Some of the samples. They're so corny.

Peter: But at the time it came out it was the best record in months. I first heard it when Terry Farley started playing it as a German import and it was great. OK, so when it got to Number One, we'd all got a bit sick of it by then but it's a great tune.

MES: Is he German then, this bloke?

Peter: I think he was a soldier in Germany.

MES: Was he in Boney M?

Paul: I'll tell you something, though. You've got to watch your step with him. He's as hard as fuck.

All: Is he?

NEW ORDER: 'World In Motion'

Peter: I know this. It's The Fall's official World Cup theme ... The Fall or New Order ... one of them old Manchester bands! To me, this is more embarrassing than your average tacky old football shite. Last year's Tranmere Rovers song was better. They've made an effort to be serious and it sounds pathetic.

MES: (to Hooton) No, I agree with you, cocker. And more to the point, this is why we came fourth. These bastards should have been doing some training, not singing on a bleeding pop record. 'Welcome home, lads. You're all heroes', We came fucking fourth ... out of 24. It's a bloody disgrace.

Peter: The words are pathetic. I'd rather have Alan Ball singing 'Back Home'. When was the last time an England player ever expressed himself?

MES: This is the trouble with footballers. Bloody faggots. They've all got their own hairdressers and managers. And they can't beat Albania and the Cameroons! You can't get into the England team unless you're a prefect or you've played for Ipswich.

(There now follows a long, four-sided shouted debate about Jack Charlton, Paul Heaton's support for Uruguay, Pavarotti, rapping and Schillachi. This goes on for 20 minutes)

But what about the record?

MES: It's pandering to the middle classes who've just discovered football. It's smug, self-congratulatory, a yuppie football song. If they'd won the World Cup then they could have come home and made a bloody record.

Peter: It's trendy. Very European. It's our attempt to say to the Germans, 'We're really clued up about football. You lot couldn't have done this.'

Paul: I know the rap off by heart.

FLOWERED UP: 'It's On'

MES: Is This Flowered Up? ... I haven't heard this.

Peter: Sounds like The Fall. They got on the front of all the papers and they didn't have a record. We had to have a photo of Harry Cross with us to get on the cover of the NME.

MES: Oh, get the bloody violins out! This record would be alright if it had a bass and a guitar on it. What is it? It's nothing.

Peter: I like this. Turn it up.

MES: You can turn it up all you like, mate. There's nothing there. The thing about them getting on the covers ... what does that matter ? The media over-estimates its own importance. I was on the cover of everything for three years but I still only had half a bottle of milk in the fridge. Status Quo have never been on the cover of anything and it hasn't done them any harm.

STEVE MILLER BAND: 'The Joker'

MES: You know why all these records are getting into the charts ? It's because all these advertising executives are all the same age as me and they're just using their favourite records from when they was kids. When I was 16 1 thought I'd seen the last of The Steve Bloody Miller Band. It must be terrible being an A&R man these days. Boring. All your artists are dead.

Paul: None of these people are getting their royalties. That Righteous Brother, the one they can find, he's had nothing. Covers and oldies notwithstanding, what do you make of the current idea that the charts are more open these days?

MES: You should ask some people who've been in the charts. Ask these two.

Paul: We've just had a Number One and our new single isn't on the A-list or the B-list ... not on any list as far as I can see. So I don't know if much has changed.

Peter: Well it's the first time we've sold more than 2,000 records so I think things have improved, obviously!

So what, then, would be your records of the year?

MES: I think The La's are cool. That's a good record. The Farm are alright too.

Peter: I like that new Housemartins one. 'Choke' is it?...

THE SOUP DRAGONS: 'I'm Free'

Paul: Now here's a case in point. They were fine as an indie guitar band and they're fine now. Same with you (to Hooton). There's no problem with that.

MES: I just find it embarrassing. I can't watch it. That geek with the yak haircut.

Paul: Yeah, there is a problem with the way they're presented.

Peter: The problem is they were photographers in one of their many previous existences. If there's pictures of you knocking around dressed likeVictorian doctors in 1986, then it's hard to take you seriously in your casuals on Top Of The Pops today.

MES: Good luck to them for making a few bob. It's just the way they look I find embarrassing. I'm a man of taste. It's because of twats like this I can't go to clubs any more without some f-er in flares pointing at me. I just don't like uniforms.

Paul: It makes me feel old. It makes me feel glad to be old.

Peter: Who wears flares anyway? Students?

MES: Anyway I hate it. It was a good old Stones number and they've thrashed it.