SINEAD O'CONNOR "Nothing Compares 2 U"
SM: A good place to start. The biggest selling single of the year ...
Paul: Actually it's not. The Righteous Brothers overtook it last week.
Peter: Come on Stuart. Get your facts right before you expect us to analyse these contemporary classics.
MES: It was great when she cried in the video. That was hilarious. It's alright. She's got a great voice. It's a Prince
song, isn't it?
Peter: She shouldn't have backed down to Frank Sinatra. She's got a great hairstyle, though. It's the slowie, innit?
It's the smoochy they put on at the end of the night. Like me Hitmen And Her.
Paul: They don't have slowies any more in clubs. I still wait for them. I know people don't like her because they say she's
Peter: But there's nothing much to laugh about these days, is there? She's certainly got a more manly voice than
Paul Heaton. I wouldn't buy it. Well, maybe I would cos I like the way they spell '2U'.
MES: That's just bloody illiterate. Prince is over-doing it, if you ask me. And speaking as a real Batfan, Batman was crap.
I wrote and complained.
HAPPY MONDAYS: 'Step On'
MES: Who's this then ? ... Oh, I thought I recognised the drumbeat.
Peter: Well, I think it's a classic. Didn't like 'Tokoloshe Man' though. A great record. It's just a pity people
like you keep going on about drugs. That's the trouble with the music press. They get fascinated with anybody real or normal
because most of the press are cocooned. They've got no idea how ordinary people are getting on with their lives ...
MES: Oh, here we go. Bread!
Paul: It's OK. I've heard it in clubs and liked it. I don't like it at the moment. I don't know whether the Mondays will
last. Does it matter? I think they're stupid if they keep clinging on to the 'Manchester' scene.
Peter: I don't think they do. That's why I like them. And The Stone Roses. They're not parochial. I study interviews
MES: You study interviews? You must have something wrong with you.
Peter: (laughs) I study the press in search of the definitive Fall Interview. No, the Mondays try and steer people
away from the Manchester stuff.
Paul: They called a record 'Madchester'. I'd hardly call that steering away!
Peter: Errr ... apart from that!
THE STONE ROSES: 'One Love'
Paul: I accept the Mondays because they're genuine. You do meet people like that all the time. But if this lot were in
this room now, they'd be acting coy, playing with their fringes ...
Peter: I like The Stone Roses ...
Paul: Is this The Stone Roses? I thought it was The Charlatans (much laughter). I did! Oh, The Stone Roses are alright.
Their LP reminds me of early Status Quo. I'm into that.
MES: They're a rock band, aren't they? What more is there to say?
? Well, this time last year everyone was saying ...
Paul: No. You were saying they were going to be the most enormous band in the world. And now it's you lot who look stupid.
You all put the wrong bet in. If you went into a pub in Bootie, people don't know who The Stone Roses are. Bollocks.
Paul: I'm into this. It's pretty funky.
MES: The production's good. It's the same bloke who used to do us-John Leckie ...
Paul: Course he's come on a lot since then!
MES: No, this is good. Really good. If you'd heard them three years ago when they were trying to be Bauhaus, you'd realise
that this is magnificent.
BETTY BOO: 'Me So Horny'
Paul: I like Betty Boo. I know she's comy but there's something very London about her that I like.
MES: I know what you mean. She looks like the kind of girl who'd take you down The Fridge. 'Know what ah mean?' She's very
good. I like the lyrics. Much better than the usual rep stuff. And she's dead popular. Plus, although she's a girl she's not
always flashing at you. All that heavy sexual stuff in videos. People are getting bored to tears with that.
Peter: Being a trainspotter, I read her in the NME saying that Barnes was a good player, but that Gazza had class.
That put me right off.
MES: I know what you mean. Gazza ? You know, that really fucking bugs me, this trend towards footballers and bloody boxers
making records. There's too easy access. And there's musicians starving. (To Heaton). You're a great one for the Musician's
Union. You should do something about it.
Paul: I know. It bugs me too.
Peter: Funnily enough this pre-empts an article I've just written for someone ...
Paul: Yeah, and I bet you're not even in the NUJ!
Peter: I know. I'II sort it out with Derek Hatton when I get home!
2 LIVE CREW: 'Me So Horny'. Chosen both as an example of US rap and as the hit record to be
found obscene by a federaI judge.
Peter: Well, I think it's obscene. First record found guilty of nicking James Brown's drumbeat!
MES: They're in trouble 'cos they're black. The Americans want things whitened up. Like New Kids On The Block. Like Vanilla
Ice. Kate Pierson of the B52's said 'As a woman I hate it but as an American I defend their right to be stupid'.
Paul: Oh, that's shite. I'm not a fan of censorship but they could do with a bit of Stalinism over there.
MES: (laughs) Oh bloody hell. Look, they're retarded, aren't they? But they've got a right to make the record ...
Paul: And other people have got a right to lock 'em up. Or give'em a smack. I hate these sort of people.
MES: If people are stupid enough to buy this crap, then you've gotto let 'em.
Peter: If it wasn't for the controversial lyrics, no one would have paid any attention to it. The manager probably
told them to put a few fucks in.
MES: That's the trouble with the music press, you see. They would pick up on it because they're all obsessed with sex ...
that's 'cos none of 'em are getting their end away! (gales of laughter, natch)
CANDY FLIP: "Strawberry Fields Forever"
MES: Fucking rubbish. Get it off. It's atrocious. Just a way of fooling kids under 20 who've never heard the original.
Peter: I think everybody's heard the original that's why this was a hit
Paul: You can say it's great entrepreneurialism for these young lads to go and do it but it's not available to everybody.
I'd like to see how much they spent on promoting this. And I do think there should be some limit to the amount of cover versions
allowed in the chart. They're talking about doing it with compilation albums, why not with singles?
MES: Ha Ha! Get them in front of the panel! Interrogate them!
Paul: But you're a songwriter like me. Don't you think it's wrong? Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't all three of you
had hits with covers...
Peter: Bastard! That's why you've brought us here isn't it? Actually the low spat of my year was when one of Candy
Flip said they were in The Farm on the telly. You'll never hear of 'em again. I hated seeing 'em in all their acid gear on
Top Of The Pops. Like they were big in the clubs.
MES: It wasn't big in any bloody club that I was in. Anyway (to Heaton), what was this record of yours that was a big hit
Paul: 'Caravan Of Love'.
MES: How did that go then?
Paul: Shut up!
MES: I think stuff like this is indicative of the way this generation's turning out. They're the first lot who are just
like their parents. Hippy Kids of hippy parents.
Peter: All this stuff about them being a mad group. The baseball caps on sideways. It's a joke. I just can't take
them seriously. I don't think it's awful. I just don't like the idea of it. All this shit about the Forest Of Dean being a
mad place and we all have parties in the woods. It's so manufactured.
Paul: It sounds like The Stone Roses.
MES: It certainly sounds as if they're trying to sound like all that shit. I don't mean that it was a hippy record. But
it's definitely a record by the kids of hippy parents.
Paul: If I'd made a record at 19, it wouldn't have been very good. So, if these lads are 19, I would have to say to them
...well, yours isn't any good either!
MES: I was making fucking good records at 19. But that doesn't matter. If they're 19 or 49, it's got nothing to do with
how good your records are.
Paul: Well, it's a lovely name. Where are they from?
MES: (in official voice) ... And why are they doing this? The panel would like to know!
Paul: Seriously, Mark, there's nothing wrong with a bit of that.
MES; Yes, there is. It's like The Sex Pistols in 1976. Having to go before bloody councils who decide whether they can
play or not. You're all the same, you socialists.
Paul: Not socialist, Stalinist. There's a difference.
Err. ...returning briefly to the Lush record, isn't this the sort of winsome indie guitar pop that the massed legions of
'Equity Culture' ravers claim to have made redundant?
Paul: Well, I don't agree with that and it would be terrible if it were true. I know some of it sounds a bit dated but
this is nice. I'm not averse to this.
Peter: I can't imagine anything more horrible than having to listen to any one style of music all day. It'd be
like living in Paul Heaton's Rumania! It's just stupid kids who've been to a few nightclubs claiming that everyone's got to
start dancing. Good luck to Lush.
MES: Lush? That's the girls, isn't it?
Paul: Well, it's not just girls ... though I think the blokes are in a bit of a Tin Machine situation.
MES: They could do alright with a bit of money behind them. Just needs a bit of a push. Christ knows they've tried to push
people like Bob Geldof enough. They'll be promoting that LP for five years 'til some silly f--er buys it.
Paul: It's a bit like pushing the Brazilian currency, innit? It's never going to work.
(Glasses clink. Matches struck. Bar bill arrives. Maconie faints. Fade ...)